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It's funny that this is a home page, but I'm not even at home, and I don't even have a home.

I live at a homeless shelter.

So my wife just picked up the boys from school. She lives with her mother. Her mother hates me.

Our daughter has her own rendition of The Tale of King Midas that she insists on telling over and over again. She's 6. King Midas turns his daughter into gold. I think it's a cautionary tale.

The Story

There's this king who loves gold. But what do you think he loves more than gold?

His daughter

OK so -- you're correct, his daughter. Now, why does he love his daughter more?

Because there's only one of her, and lots of gold.

He loves his daughter, but, he wanted more gold. And he was not satisfied with all that gold he had.

So. He--he went {garbled, discontinuous, voices chatting}

OH IT'S A BUTTERFLY

SO. Um. -- Bubba: There was a king who loved gold more than anything. Now, he loved his daughter MORE than gold. I'm not gonna do the question.

So one day, he was counting gold in his dungeon, where he keeps all his gold. And he was counting it with the door locked.

Now, Bubba, what do you -- how much -- how much gold do you think he had, Bubba? How much money?

Ummmm

It can be one, two, three, a hundred

A hundred and twelve

A hundred and twelve money. Gold.

YAY GOLD

Bubba, do you think he wanted more or less gold?

less

You're wrong. He wanted three hundred and thousand more gold. How much gold do you think that would be?

Imagine what it would look like in your head. Imagine.

Now, have you imagined it? Bubba? Bubba. So this king, while he was counting all of his gold one day, this random boy appeared in his place -- and you know he locked it, right? So he knew that this dude must have had magic, because who can get in when the door's locked?

So this boy appeared and asked, "What would you like?" And this is how he responded:

I want the golden touch!

So when he woke up the next morning, he turned everything into gold.

Now, the daughter {discontinuous}

Now what do you think happened when he picked up his black coffee?

{garbled}

It turned into gold. You answered the question. I'm going to give you a high five.

OK, now.

So when he ran inside, his drink, turned into gold. When he picked up food, what do you think happened?

{garbled}

NO. It turned into--

gold

You're right! High five, Bubba.

So what he did, he saw his daughter running in with a golden flower.

Pappa, pappa my flower!

So the little girl ran in, called Marigold, and then said

Father, why are the flowers gold? THEY SMELL HORRIBLE. They smell HORRIBLE. They don't SMELL good.

And... he was raining tears. And then, the father tried to hug his daughter. What do you think happened to the daughter? He turned his daughter into? -- Bubba -- what happened to his daughter? She turned into?

{garbled}

No, it turned into

{garbled}

No, it turned into

"Oh I gotta go Jeremiah," says Lauren

HANGUP NOISE